Face Value and Zero Expectations

We all have toxic people in our lives.  In-laws, ex-es, family members, co-workers, and even some friends can bring a level of toxicity into our relationships.  People like this use strategies to take up our time, deplete our energy, and keep themselves as a focus by either seeking attention or seeking to engage us in conflict.

Snide comments, backhanded compliments that are actually insults, manipulation, unclear communication that deliberately leaves us unsure of their meaning, passive aggressive actions, or even deliberate meanness are some of the tools in their boxes.

The strategies that a toxic person utilizes can leave us, the recipient, emotionally activated.  They leave us wondering “what just happened?’  “What did that mean?” “Did I really hear what I thought I heard?”  Confusion can be the best result of an interaction with a toxic person.  Further results can be anger, resentment, feeling insulted, or feeling that we, as the recipient, have done something wrong.

A toxic person can drain us emotionally.  Trying to understand the meaning behind the words, the actual occurrence that led to us being blamed, attempting to develop strategies to deal with the person, gain their favor, or maintain a relationship, is exhausting.

Trying to deal rationally with an irrational person can be crazy-making.

So, de-fuse their strategies.  Refuse to be engaged at a crazy-making level.  Keep it simple.  Hear only the actual words that come out of their mouth.  Take everything at face value, and stop trying to interpret and figure out the hidden meanings.  If what came out of their mouth was unclear but important, ask the clarifying questions without  getting sucked into an argument.  If what came out of their mouth was a loaded statement intended to create an argument, ignore it.  If what came out of their mouth was unclear and unimportant, forget about it.  Don’t bother.

Sounds easy, but it is hard.  It is a habit, and a habit needs to be developed over time. Toxic people in our lives have rubbed our emotional skin raw during the course of our relationships, and when they continue to poke at our raw skin, it is our instinct to react.  But don’t react.  Fake it until you make it.  Paste a smile on your face, let the words roll off your back, and act on only the actual words that come out of their mouths.

The second de-fusing tool that works in conjunction with face value is zero expectations.  The quickest way for someone to light our fuse and engage us in frustration, anger, and conflict is by them repeatedly not meeting our expectations.  We are not talking a one-time memory lapse.  We are talking about patterns, passive-aggressive patterns of people deliberately not meeting our stated needs.  Whether because they are teaching us that we are unimportant, that our needs have no value, or to engage us in conflict, their actions can be infuriating.  Paying the bills, following through on appointments, making plans and keeping them are reasonable expectations to have of a reasonable person.

Toxic people are not reasonable.  Missing appointments, losing checkbooks, changing plans, inappropriate social behaviors, and creating crises are methods  by which they can induce an emotional response from us.  We must remove ourselves from their power.  They can not create a response of anger, frustration, and disappointment from us if we have no expectations of them.  We create this by developing an attitude of Zero Expectations.   Now, if this is a spouse, there are additional problems.  But as far as in-laws, ex-es, and some friends, remove the expectations.  De-fuse our own responses of anger or disappointment by not relying on them.

When we have successfully learned the habit of taking things only at face value, and of having zero expectations, it will be much more difficult for a toxic person to push our buttons.  And, if we have developed the face value and zero expectation skills, it helps us to step back far enough from a toxic person to choose whether or not to continue our relationship with them.  We have taken our power out of their hands, and given it back to ourselves.