Regret, not resent

There have been many different periods of triumph, and tragedy, in the past twenty years of my life.  I have loved, and lost love.  I have achieved a graduate degree, and have had to leave a career.  I have been married, and been divorced.  And always, always, I have worked hard to make the right decisions, the ones that would cause me the least amount of regret in looking back.

BiPolar has played a part in many aspects of my life.  Diagnosed nearly ten years ago, with several breakdowns and two divorces under my belt, I hated my disorder.  I raged against it.  I did (and still sometimes do) hate the idea of having to take medications daily for the rest of my life.  I blamed it for the failure of a marriage, for the loss of a career that I loved, and for my inability to trust those close to me. I hated the depressive lows that diminished my ability to be an active part of my kids’ life. I hated the manic highs that brought about financial difficulty and unstable romantic relationships.

But anger and resentment did not help.  The anger did not resolve anything, did not make anything better. The anger kept me in a state of blaming, instead of a state of repairing.

Regret is unavoidable.  Though I have made the best decisions that I was capable of making, though I tried to avoid having regrets, I do, still, have regrets.  I have dozens of “I wish…”.  Dozens of “If only….” .

My regrets now, are gentle waves of sadness that come periodically.  There are things in my life that I regret.  There are behaviors in my past that I regret.  Decisions I made that I regret. There are people in my past, unable to cope with my mood swings, that I miss terribly.

I can repair only what is in my power.  I can only change the decisions I am making in my present.

Though I cannot avoid regret, I can choose not to resent.  Not to resent the loved ones who left me, whether due to my bipolar behavior, or due to their own limits.  Not to resent my illness for sabotaging my career, and destroying relationships.  To resent requires being angry, and being angry takes energy away from healing.  I will continue to make the decisions that I believe will cause the least amount of regrets for me and those who I love.  And when the regrets come, as they will, I will acknowledge them, miss what is gone, and continue moving in the present toward the future.