Coming to the Table

I have been working harder in being consistent at writing in my journal. My greatest fear is of one of my greatest weaknesses; consistency. I hesitate to take on volunteer opportunities, to engage in ongoing commitments, because of my fear that I will not follow through. This is a fairly new problem, since 2004, my second breakdown. I guess it’s not so new, but it’s still a problem.

One of the traps that I have consistently fallen into is commitment. I begin a simple task, like taking notes for a committee. Suddenly I find myself in a place of perfectionistic over achievement. Obsessing about details, checking, re-checking, and re-checking again. This is my neuro-chemical downfall symptom of bipolar. Or maybe its just a character flaw. I don’t know.

So, I hesitate. I deflect requests to become involved. I lead a fairly solitary life. But now, I have to face the fear. The coping tool of not getting involved, not getting invested, has left me feeling that I no longer have the discipline to complete any ongoing task. Even a recent bathroom remodel took me three times longer than expected, and was much more a mental drain than a physical one.

So I now I find it is time to challenge myself. Am I willing to come to the table? Am I willing to commit to writing? Every single day? EVERY SINGLE DAY? Not to write the great American novel in a month, or a year, or ever. But to show up at the table every day, for five minutes, or an hour. Just to get there, and as the books say, “get [my] butt in the chair.”

Can I let go of the fear of the crash and burns in the past, the fear of failing in the present? Can I try again?

Can I? Will I?

We’ll see.

“God willing, and the creek don’t rise.”

There’s an old phrase that hes been rattling around in my brain for a few days.  I’ve heard it a dozen times or so, mostly from an older generation.  It’s a response one might get to a request for help, an invitation to be somewhere, or a query about someone’s ability to do something.  “God wiling, and the creek don’t rise” is a way of saying, “I’ll do what I can” or “I’ll do what is in my power to do.”

What I love most about this phrase is how it reminds us that we aren’t always capable of doing what we would like to be able to do.  Whatever one’s stand on religion, it is a catchphrase that acknowledges that we are not all-powerful.  The unknown, the unexpected, even Nature can interrupt our best intentions.

I know that I can get caught up in things I think I should do, or want to do, or even think I need to do.  But, simply enough, sometimes the unexpected gets in the way.  A flat tire, construction on the highway, illness, or even schedule conflicts can derail the best of plans.  When that happened, I used to get angry, frustrated and upset. It was about control.  It was about my agenda being disrupted.

But when I step back and remind myself “God willing and the creek don’t rise”, well, it helps me to see the circumstances that are thwarting me in a larger perspective.  If the creek rises and you can’t get out of the driveway, there’s nothing you can do to change it, until the creek feels like receding. If it feels like the universe if conspiring to prevent you from accomplishing a certain task, well, sometimes the universe is right.  Patience, resilience, and ingenuity are better mental states than rigidity, frustration, and stubborn determination.